Survivor’s Diaries: Chapter 12
I peeked through the door of the master bedroom which I had left partially ajar.
Jesse was sitting there, on the bed, scrolling through his phone. Working, no doubt.
Smart and sexy. He had it all.
It really was creepy for me to be staring at him through the doorway like this. I guessed I was just nervous about being naked in front of him for the first time (especially since I had yet to find a damn flaw on his body) and trying to delay the inevitable.
So I hesitated for a few minutes.
“Are you going to actually come in or just stand there hiding behind the door?” Jesse finally asked without looking up.
My cheeks turned bright red and I dropped my face into my palms, laughing.
Well, that was sufficiently mortifying. So much for being subtle. I recovered, taking a few even breaths and stuffing the humiliation as far deep down as it would go.
Then I pushed the door forward and entered.
When Jesse heard me come in he looked up, smiled, and set his phone down on the nightstand.
“This is why I love you Fiona, you’re so damn funny.”
My heart beamed at the way he said he loved me again, even if it was just an in jest reaction to my own awkwardness.
I leaned back, closing the door behind me with my hips, and ran my hands through my hair with a shy smile.
“Sorry,” I muttered awkwardly.
Jesse laughed and got up, walking towards me, and stopped about an inch from my body, towering over me once again. I barely even cleared his shoulder.
“I told you. You can stare at me whenever you want. I know I’m sexy,” he shrugged.
I flushed looking away.
Jesse was hot and he knew it. Hyper-confident. He understood his sex appeal and the effect he had on women. I mean, how could he not?
He was the ultimate incarnate of male beauty, if it ever existed.
I honestly didn’t understand what he saw in me.
I searched for something else to to try and break the awkwardness (mine not his), finally settling on a remark about the bed linens in the background.
“That’s a nice duvet cover.”
I kicked myself internally.
What a random thing to say.
But I did like it.
It was black, grey, and navy pin striped — likely Supima cotton with a high thread count, my favorite — and judging by the thickness, buoyed by a nice fluffy goose down insert.
He had good taste.
Jesse laughed and reached for my hands.
“Are you ready?” he asked, smiling.
I nodded, not wanting to know what my voice sounded like at that moment. Probably coarse, shrill, or otherwise unattractive to the male ear, so I decided to stay silent.
My earlier stream of instructions rushed through my head.
Make it good for him. Lose the nerves. Relax.
I reached out and placed my hand against his abdomen, lightly stroking the bed of muscles beneath the surface. His breathing quickened, and he reached out to place my other hand against it.
I reveled at the warmth radiating from his skin.
Gosh, his body temperature was hot. I moved closer instinctively. The impulse to be near him was reaching an apex now. I wanted to be as close to him as was physically or metaphysically possible. Every force of energy that made up my being was pushing me in this direction.
Jesse sensed this. He grabbed my hips and pulled me against his frame as hard as he could, breathing harder now, eyes closed. The force of his breath skimmed the strings of his vocal chords ever so slightly, transmitting the sweetest intonations of the voice I loved.
Our bodies were completely pressed against each other’s now, his half naked, mine still fully clad.
Jesse opened his amber eyes, gazing at me lustfully. Another thing that I loved.
And I loved everything. I loved everything about him. Already. I loved those pretty eyes and the way that he looked at me with them. I loved his full doll lashes and the luscious canopy of thick black hair hanging alongside them. I loved the graceful way his body moved when he walked past me, from me, towards me. I loved the way he stared at my body when he thought I wasn’t noticing but I was. Because of course I was. Because I always was. Because the gravitational pull I feel towards him was stronger than the one I felt pulling me to the ground. Because I loved the way his voice wrapped around my name like a caress.
And I loved the way he stared at me—like every time he did he had seen something extraordinary, like he was an art collector stumbling across an undiscovered Picasso, or an impressionist painter seeing Paris for the first time, or a fauvist marveling at the way oil hits canvas, or a Renaissance protege drinking in his first masterpiece when it is finally complete.
He was in love with me too.
I had been waiting for him to say the words but once they were spoken I realized how completely insignificant they were. It was everything else he did that made them clear, that made them already true, that rendered their speech totally unnecessary.
And I loved the way he stoppered the hole in my chest. The way he rescued me from drowning. I didn’t realize how dark my life had been until he pulled me up out of the gallows and into the light.
Jesse placed his hand gently on the side of my face. I leaned into it like a pillow and let my eyelids fall.
In that moment, I felt like an animal finally learning to trust again after years of abuse, a wild horse closing its eyes and resting its head into a human hand for the first time.
A wave of relief washed over me.
Of course I didn’t need to worry about hyperventilating when having sex with him. How silly of me to even think. The hole in my chest was plugged around Jesse. He was the glue that was keeping me together. Not the poison that was ripping it apart. All those other times, the hole was wide open and prime for bleeding, because those men didn’t care about me; they didn’t even like me; they just sensed my brokenness and wanted to use me.
But now couldn’t be more different.
And I was ready.
I was ready now.
Jesse leaned in and started kissing the length of my neck again.
He held my neck with one hand and alternated between soft and hard kisses, dotting the length of my neck with a magical trail of osculations.
Then, he weaved his hands through the roots of my hair and pressed his tongue against mine. We kissed slowly and passionately like this for a minute, with him cradling my head in his hands.
I was so ready for this. I mirrored his movements, letting him take the lead but reciprocating wherever possible.
Then he started becoming more aggressive, winding his fingers deep into my hair and pulling downward, pressing his tongue harder against mine.
This was exactly what I wanted.
I reached for his body and placed my hands against his abdominal muscles again, molding my hands against their projections, listening to his breaths become more labored. Then I headed north to his shoulders and arms, all lean and muscular and sinewy, caressing his frame with my hands, appreciating how much stronger he was compared to me.
Damn it, I wanted him.
I wanted to feel the full strength and force of this body tonight.
Jesse began to shiver ever so slightly under my touch. I broke away from his lips to kiss the length of his neck and his Adam’s apple. At this point I was straining on my tip toes to reach because he was so tall.
He groaned. We were both getting excited. And I wouldn’t make him wait any longer now. He had waited long enough. After kissing his neck about fifteen sweet times, I whispered into his ear: “Touch me.”
Jesse exhaled and suddenly his hands were everywhere, under my clothes over my chest, between my legs.
My heart was beating out of my chest but I wasn’t scared anymore. Not of hyperventilating. Not of disappointing him. Nothing.
My instincts were taking over and I knew I was doing everything right.
The only thing in the way now were my clothes. I reached down and lifted up my shirt, flinging it across the room, and followed suit with every other article of clothing on my upper body.
I threw my half naked body at him. He grabbed me and pulled me against his body, and we resumed our caress.
Our French kiss was wide open now. Our tongues were all over each other’s faces.
At this point, I couldn’t wait any longer. I ripped my pants off and stripped every piece of fabric off my lower body.
Before I knew it I was completely naked.
It took every ounce of strength in my being to resist the urge to go run and turn the lights off.
Jesse stared at me, leaned in and whispered in my ear, “You’re so beautiful, Fiona”, then reached down, placed his hands around the back of my thighs, and lifted me up off the ground. I threw my arms around his neck, wrapped my legs around his waist, and our tongues found each other once again.
Jesse carried me over to the bed and laid me gently down. He leaned in, kissed me, then smiled and backed away.
Still standing, he removed his pants and the remainder of his clothes until he was completely naked in front of me.
I couldn’t help but dropping my jaw ever so slightly.
He was every bit as gorgeous as I’d feared. Literal perfection.
Lean, wiry muscles as far as the eye could see. Sinew hugging bone in thick, braided ropes. Long, healthy, strong limbs. Hands and fingers skeletal and lengthy, graceful yet formidable, like spiders. Veins protruding through inner forearms like branches. Knife blade abdominals.
My heart lurched.
He made the statue of David look like a gargoyle.
Jesse smiled provocatively and crawled onto the bed. Right now I was leaning back on my wrists, knees together, smiling nervously.
He was so much bigger than I was.
I felt like a little kid next to him. I supposed I felt like that next to everybody though. Most adult women — and frankly adolescent women for that matter — were at least twice my size.
I drank in his features again.
Hair the color of oil.
Eyelashes like wreaths.
Lips as red as the briar rose.
Jesse was even more beautiful than the first man I had ever loved.
He climbed on top of me now, on all fours, with that same mischievous smile that he knew I loved, that split my heart open.
I looked up at him from below. His long hair was hanging down from his head on all sides, forming a thick black halo around his perfect face.
Jesse leaned forward onto his forearms so our faces were just inches a part.
“You’re so gorgeous,” he told me, brushing my hair back.
Again, words that were meant for him.
He leaned down to kiss me, and my heart slowly began to unravel.